2022! A Mediator’s Holiday Wish

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By Stanley Zamor

“Happy Holidays”; “Merry Christmas”; “Happy Hanukkah”; “Happy Kwanzaa”; “Happy Festivus!”

“My children’s father still refuses to pay his support. So as a result, even though I’m working more hours, we’re being evicted…” – Parenting Case

“…The anniversary of our mother’s death is Christmas Eve. And still my siblings refuse to sign the documents in order to satisfy the bank’s requirements in order for us to resolve numerous obligations left unresolved. This is becoming a dire situation…None of us are communicating and our families are being torn apart” -Probate/Enforcement of Sale/Liens.

“Mr. Zamor. Forgive my emotion and my tears. But I have not seen my children in 4 months. I missed Thanksgiving with them, a birthday and various school events, and now it’s evident I will not be seeing them for Christmas. This is not justice. How come no one is helping? The judge, the police, no one seems to be helping…Nothing but postponements and more time/money lost…”

– Divorce/Family Case

The foregoing are a few of the many statements, sentiments expressed to me by disputants during mediations that occurred during or leading up to the holiday season. Although this is the time of the year where families get together, and most enjoy gifts and seasonal good wishes. That is not the reality for many, many others. For many this is the worst time of the year. According to research the holiday season Is when many families experience the highest levels of stress, interpersonal conflicts and mental health concerns that inhibit the joy and harmony the holiday season promotes. 

            Neutrals can play a profound role during this time. Although we are not in a mental health or counseling role, as we help construct solutions to disputes that are the source of  deep emotional stress, we can encourage better communication and mitigate that stress.

MY WISH

            My wish for this holiday season is that if  you are a professional neutral who deals with individuals or families, during the holiday season you will recognize the important role you play. Go beyond the mundane and provide the disputants with what is the “Promise of Mediation”. Use the best conflict resolution/management skills and techniques to empower the disputants and allow for self-determination. Offer disputants encouragement and suggestions to reduce the barriers to communication.  Doing so may not provide the perfect solutions to their conflict, but it will demonstrate a professional who is dutifully engaged and dedicated to helping creating solutions to complex matters.

The following are 10 suggestions to a better holiday season:

  1. Set/Be Aware of Expectations (what you expect from others and your time with others),
  2. Stay Open to Your Needs and the Needs of Others
  3. Set Your Boundaries and Create Realistic Boundaries
  4. Be Mindful
  5. Approach Every Conversation and Interaction with Good Intentions
  6. Take Time for Yourself when Necessary
  7. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
  8. Do Not Enter or Contribute to Conversations that YOU KNOW LEAD TO TIGGERS
  9. Know/Recognize Your Own Triggers
  10. Speak For Yourself, Not for Others

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. He is also appointed to serve on the Florida Bar Grievance Committee and serves other National organizations as a facilitator and lecturer. As a ADR & Conflict consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

A HOLIDAY OF ALTERNATIVES: “HAPPY FESTIVUS… FOR THE REST of US” 

Is Festivus a real holiday? Some say No. It is a holiday celebrated to be fun and whacky. The Festivus holiday began when writer Daniel O’Keefe of the 90’s sitcom Seinfeld introduced it when one of the character’s fathers explained how as he was engaged in a physical altercation at a department store attempting to purchase an exclusive doll for his child. He was mad and disappointed in his behavior of having to fight for a doll in order to get a gift for his son. He was then enlightened and created an alternative to what stress and pressure the holiday season brings.

Although the holiday was part of a sitcom episode, Festivus is a now a secular holiday, said to be celebrated on December 23rd. It is meant as an alternative to the pressures and commercialization of the Christmas season.  Those who chose to be part of the holiday take apart in all or portions of the holiday which include 1) the Festivus Pole; 2) the Airing of Grievances;    3) Festivus Dinner; 4) The Feats of Strength. Of the various portions of the Festivus holiday, the airing of grievances offers healthier opportunities to voice disappointments in a transparent safe space, offering a chance to heal from those pains experienced during the year. Other holidays seem to suggest forgetting and forgiving other’s transgressions, which it far too difficult and divine for most to do. At a time where we promote “self-love”; “self-care”; Mindfulness… Knowing and speaking your truth; Festivus offers something that the other do not.  So, while Christmas and other holidays reign as the foremost celebrated holidays, Festivus is gaining popularity as an alternative to fully respond, address and heal from emotional discourse by not disguising or shying away from it.  So Happy Festivus and I wish all of you the best! 

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2022! A Mediator’s Holiday Wish

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By Stanley Zamor

“Happy Holidays”; “Merry Christmas”; “Happy Hanukkah”; “Happy Kwanzaa”; “Happy Festivus!”

“My children’s father still refuses to pay his support. So as a result, even though I’m working more hours, we’re being evicted…” – Parenting Case

“…The anniversary of our mother’s death is Christmas Eve. And still my siblings refuse to sign the documents in order to satisfy the banks requirements for use to resolve numerous obligations left unresolved. This is becoming a dire situation…None of us are communicating and out families are being torn apart” -Probate/Enforcement of Sale/Liens

“Mr. Zamor. Forgive my emotion and my tears. But I have not seen my children in 4 months. I missed Thanksgiving with them, a birthday and various school events, and now it’s evident I will not be seeing them for Christmas. This is not justice. How come no one his helping. The judge, the police, no one seems to be helping…Nothing but postponements an more time/money lost…”

– Divorce/Family Case

The following are just a few of the many statements, sentiments expressed to me by disputants during mediations that occurred during in the holiday season. Although this is the time of the year where families get together, and most enjoy gifts and seasonal good wishes. That is not the reality for many, many others. For many this is the worst time of the year. According to various research and reports during the holiday season families experience a highest levels of stress, interpersonal conflicts and mental health concerns that inhibit the joy and harmony the holiday season promotes.  

Neutrals can play a profound role during this time. And although we are not in a mental health or counseling role, as we help construct solutions to very complex and deep emotional stress; we can encourage better communication though effective conflict resolution techniques that help cope and find solutions.

MY WISH

            My wish for this holiday season is that, should you be a professional neutral who deals with individuals or families, during the holiday season recognize the important role you play. Go beyond the mundane and provide the disputants with what is the “Promise of Mediation”. Use truly conflict resolution/management skills and technique to empower the disputants and allow for self-determination. Offer disputants encouragement and suggestions to reduce the barriers to communication.  Doing so may not provide the perfect solutions to their conflict, but it will demonstrate a professional who is dutifully engaged and dedicated to helping creating solutions to complex matters.

The following are 10 suggestions to a better holiday season:

  1. Set/Be Aware of Expectations (what you expect from others and your time with others)
  2. Stay Open to Your Needs and the Needs of Others
  3. Set Your Boundaries and Create Realistic Boundaries
  4. Be Mindful
  5. Approach Every Conversations and Interaction with Good Intentions
  6. Take Time for Yourself when Necessary
  7. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
  8. Do Not Enter or Contribute to Conversations that YOU KNOW LEAD TO TIGGERS
  9. Know/Recognize Your Own Triggers
  10. Answer For/Speak For/Express Yourself, Not for Others

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. He is also appointed to serve on the Florida Bar Grievance Committee and serves other National organizations as a facilitator and lecturer. As a ADR & Conflict consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

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An Unusual Approach to Negotiations that Yield Better Results?

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By Stanley Zamor

“So, Mr. Zamor, if we do indeed settle, can you offer us a ride in your Porsche GT3 RS around the country road, as part of the settlement?” Everyone laughed.

I smiled and responded, “Mr. Richard, like I’ve said before, this is not my car, and that country road is in the Northeastern part of the country; it’s picturesque background. Although in a few weeks I do plan on driving my colleague’s on that exact road. It’s just a material item, but I see it does impact many and reminds me about the valued of things and what can be achieved. LIKE THIS AGREEMENT. Both sides approached opening statements with a defeatists tone, and that this matter would not settle today. Although, that is a possibility, it was not the reality. And you did find way to settle. Why? I like to believe that because of how you negotiated after every round; you mentioned my background and I continually managed to set and reset expectations and show the value in each of your proposals. Value-creation, no matter what the proposal was, is what you experienced, and is what you did after every negotiating round. What once was thought as being too high, too low, or even thought as being insulting, ceased.   You all began with a position, a valued expectation that you found value in adjusting. You appreciated the other parties’ “why” and “how”.  You began to assign a broader value to their case. You all put away your ego and began to appreciate the interest you all have in settling the matter instead of the importance of your positions. Congratulations.

You saw each other for what you truly are and needed; looked at what could really be achieved, instead of the more difficult/exotic “unattainable”, Porsche GT3 RS type resolve. See. Sometimes people set high expectations and need to reset them to what they truly need to get it done. Um, does that make sense? That is why I kept the background as we negotiated?” The Value-Creation Approach.

The Takeaway: As I have watched, facilitated and help manage thousands of conflict negotiations throughout my years as a professional neutral, there are several truths that continually playout. Many of these truths (values) are how I approach helping disputants find solutions to their conflict. The following are just a few of the elements to finding solutions to business and/or interpersonal conflicts: 

  1. Separate the person from the problem.
  2. Allow them/give them space to reveal their truth and they will.
  3. Let-Go Your Ego as Stratego

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

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A Companion Piece By Friend and Colleague John Freud: “Turning Water into Wine”

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By John S. Freud

“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves…”

–Bruce Lee

[1] This is a companion piece to “Mediate, Like Water My Friend – Reflecting on Bruce Lee” By Stanley Zamor, September 2022

Miracles don’t just happen.  They occur, and are then revealed.  For many if not most of us, we must take a giant leap of faith to even begin to be open to the possibility that Miracles can, or could, happen.  Others might argue that Miracles are present for those that choose to acknowledge or recognize the “miraculous” for what it is, or may be – an unexplained phenomenon for which there is no easy answer as to how or why it seemingly, or simply, is.

Christ’s Turning Water Into Wine story (John 2:1-11) is, to his believers, a seminal example of the “miraculous”.  But whether miraculous or not, is interestingly, not the point.  It’s the Belief in the metaphorical outcome of the story that provides the enduringly powerful message to all of us, rather than its historical accuracy or its factual efficacy.  And that message is, anything is possible.

Which leads us to Bruce Lee.  The analogy is not a stretch.  Imaging we are “ water making its way through cracks” might seem at first blush farfetched.  Just like Jesus turning water into wine. But the sentiments underlying both images are the same.  Anything is possible.  What Lee does – and what Jesus omits – is how to make anything possible:

“Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object…nothing within you stays rigid…”

Lee’s “how to” admonitions may be summed up thusly – when adversity comes calling, rather than stiffening your response, soften your resolve.  One “shall find a way around or through” adversity or deep conflict in mediation – “like water finding its way through cracks” – until suddenly “outward things will disclose themselves”. In a negotiation in mediation, the disclosure of “outward things” – drivers of decision making by principals, motivation of lawyers and insurers, and the like – must reveal themselves in order to find the space necessary for compromise.  Belief – and its discontents – must give way to decision-making that opens parties in deep conflict to the possibility for “anything is possible”, which in mediation includes voluntary resolution of the dispute.

Is the mediation environment a crucible for miracles, or as the saying goes, “mediation magic”?  No.  However, it can be, with fully engaged participants and a skilled mediator committed to “anything is possible”, an environment where unexpected, voluntary resolutions for parties in conflict “disclose themselves”.  

If that is Turning Water Into Wine, I’ll have a glass of your finest!

John S. Freud, Esquire, is a Florida Supreme Court Certified County/Circuit/Appellate Mediator, Master Trainer; NADN – Executive Board Member; Texas Mediator Credentialing Association, Credentialed Distinguished Mediator; Nationally Certified Construction Dispute Resolution Services, LLC, mediator (see, johnfreud@cdrsllc.com)

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“Negotiating with the Enemy – Thoughts”

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The Washington-Relocation


Father’s Attorney: “My client will not give in or consider anything less than what “we” currently have.
My client did not make her leave Florida or the condo he purchased for her. So, for her to now ask for
full time-sharing is NOT going to happen.”


Mother (Pro Se): Please Mr. Stanley help me! I understand everything they said. But here. Read these.
See? I dealt with 3 Domestic Violence cases with him/his family. So, I left my son and Florida. But now
that I am more stable. I am here to fight for my son. All I am asking is that he finishes up to middle
school with me in Texas; then he can do High School with his dad. That is fair. Right?


CONFRONTING THE “ENEMY”


Whether it’s a family or business matter entering a negotiation is never as simple as people think. At
almost every stage of a negotiation emotion plays a part of how you negotiate and ultimately how you
respond. What is also a factor is who you are negotiating with/against and how they respond.
Understanding both sides does contribute to the type of resolve achieved. As I mediate, parties are
usually, only focused on what law, statute, or case-law is used to persuade their position. I understand
that and get it. But then what? During mediation rarely is one side persuaded to giving-in just because
the law/facts (as it is interpreted by that side) convinced them to “take the deal and run”. No. It does
not happen that way. They would just agree to disagree and let the court decide, right? Why is it not
understood that being face-to-face at mediation, is the best time to negotiate with transparency? Yes, I
said transparency. It doesn’t need to be adversarial.


ENGAGING THE “ENEMY”


Negotiation “is” an emotional event and although many promote/expect disputants to “take the
emotion out of it…” that is not so easy to do. When dealing with the human condition you are always
dealing with issues of disappointment, unmet expectations, insecurities, and feelings of betrayal that
have permeated the relationships’ core. That is not so simple to ignore; and is always paramount.


SEEING THE “ENEMY”


After thousands of hours of creating solutions and addressing family/business matters I have found that
every dispute is unique, in its own way. However, when seeing people dealing with their adversary, they
often must “see” themselves, or their missed opportunities to recognize concerns that would have
saved them years of conflict/grief. So, for many, the enemy they must confront and deal with, is the
enemy within.

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified
Arbitrator. Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree
(ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues,
diversity, and Family/Business relationships.


ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr
(954) 261-8600

“Mediate, Like Water My Friend – Reflecting on Bruce Lee”

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By Stanley Zamor

The Defense and the Plaintiff’s attorneys exchanged smiles and pleasantries while the agreement was being signed, then someone stated, “How did we get here. I never settle these cases so early…”. I immediately interjected, “Well, it’s because we mediated like water. And from the orientation (opening statement) forward, you allowed the process to be what it needed to be for the litigants”. I asked the Defense’s attorney, why was his first offer much higher than what they anticipated? Then, I asked the Plaintiff’s attorney, you said the Defense lost their Summary Judgement Motion which would have ended the case before the trial, you have a stronger case, and your 3 recent trial wins mirrors this case exactly. Why demand so much less when you said you are due so much more? They seemed more attentive, and I continued; you both expressed a choice to negotiate differently, so we did. Although we initially went through the merits of your case, how much time did we spend debating the usual arguments showcasing your strengths and highlighting the others weakness? Not much. With this case there was no need to mimic the evaluative style mediators/neutrals use; its mundane, often unethical, and very limiting.  You did not need that, so I played the role I was supposed to and encouraged creative negotiations.  Instead of it being only about who is a better lawyer, whose case is stronger, it became about what solutions can work today. I mediated like water my friends.

“Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

— Bruce Lee

The Promise of Mediation

Mediation is a unique process with subtle nuances; it is not a court event. And when facilitated with process-knowledge and a command of varying negotiation techniques the parties can craft/achieve solutions that the court cannot offer. Mediators who remain tied to their litigation roots often neglect the promise of mediation, for the profit of mediation. They rarely invest in expanding their skills/techniques or becoming “comfortably-uncomfortable”, an advanced state. Participants can get more out of mediation if they understand the possibilities of mediation.

“Conflict/Mediation is Constructive…”

Bruce Lee’s words were about resilience.  I find them far deeper and use them as a metaphor and as an approach for creating unique solutions that encourages flexibility, creativity, empowerment, barrier reducing communication, relationship-building, and self-determination.

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships. 

ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr (954) 261-8600

Prepared. Lawyered-Up. We’re Ready to Fight…But Not Settle

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“No One Wins a War…” & “Litigation is War…”

As I closed the door. Exhaled and turned to take my seat at the head of the sixteen person table. I again noticed the impressive tech-heavy modern conference room.  As I looked at the adverse parties and observed the mountains of papers, binders, notes, pens, highlighters and personnel on both sides. I surmised, “Wow, both sides came prepared to ‘war’”.  

My opening statement was short, concise, and I focused on being open to exploring the value of a diversity of perspectives and ideas. LMAO! Once I saw the Plaintiff’s attorney’s smirk and give a “low key” grin I paused, broke protocol, stood up and said to that attorney, “Why are you hear today?” They were silent and appeared caught off guard. Then I turned to the other attorney, “Did you come here to WIN, or negotiate?” Again, another facial surprised expression…” I continued. “We are here to negotiate. We are here to hear and explore opportunities of resolution that may not be what we saw possible. Mediation is not an opportunity to impress upon the mediator how sound your case is or how flawed is the opposing side is, or how “Stare decisis law” compels your legal position… Although you may feel the merits of your case is just. It is the ambiguity that has not allowed you to prevail yet… So! Here, we are. What do you want? And how much are you willing to mutually agree to so you can fight the next fight, move past this issue so you can engage in more pressing ones?”

The room was silent, but the faces were easily understood.  This mediation was not going to be like others. And mediation never has to be a continuation of what they see/feel/do/exercise/experience in court.  Mediation is an opportunity to learn, grow, explore solutions and go beyond what the strategic moves litigation offers.  Litigation is WAR, MEDIATION is the FIRST AND ONLY TIME WHERE SELF-DETERMINATON CAN BE ACHIEVED!

So, as you engage and prepare with your legal team and/or legal counsel, ask yourself, “At the end of the day what do I want to achieve?”  If you want to destroy your adversary; embarrass your former spouse; business partner, relative, friend or employer… mediation may not be what you need/expect.  I have seen the harshest/ugliest of relationships find solace, healing, empathy, understanding and respect within the construct of a “well-facilitated” mediation process, by a full-time dedicated skilled neutral (not a part-timer). Do You Really Want War or Mutual Agreement?

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, bullying, and Family/Business relationships. 

szamor@effectivemediationconsultants.com

www.effectivemediationconsultants.com

www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr

(954) 261-8600

“When You Negotiate/Mediate BEWARE WHO YOU BRING!?!”

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By Stanley Zamor

I was recently called by a mediator colleague who seemed hushed, rushed & speaking in a whispering tone. He was at the commencement of a mediation and excused himself to secretly call me in private.  He nervously explained that as he was about to start a commercial mediation conference, and while ushering the Plaintiff and his attorney into the conference room, they abruptly stopped, turned around and refused to enter after seeing the Defendant and the Defendant’s attorney were sitting with a third person unrelated to the lawsuit. The Plaintiff was highly upset and marched into a smaller conference room stating that he refused to mediate if the other person stayed in the mediation. The Plaintiff felt that the third person is largely responsible for most of the dispute.  The Defendants insisted the third person stay.  The Defendants being sued is a small family business and its principal individually.  The third person identified himself as an Attorney-CPA but wanted to participate in support of his cousin (the business owner) and as a friend of the business; he initially assisted with the company’s accounting, vendor accounts and setup.

My colleague stated that he knew the intricacies of the Florida Mediation rules/statutes/ procedures but was stuck. He did not know quite what to do since both sides appeared so ridged and this mediation took months to set up.  What to do?

INSIGHT, PARTY SELF-DETERMINATION

Mediation is a consensual process whereby parties have the unique opportunity to be in control of their own destiny.  Unlike being in court or an arbitration parties can determine how they negotiate and with who.  Often one side may bring someone to the mediation that they other side feels disrupts negotiations. A skilled mediator will know the difference and will encourage a constructive process and dialogue.  

MY SUGGESTION, HOW TO DISCUSS PARTICIPATION

With the Defendant, discuss that only named parties/parties of interest participate in mediation. However, if the Plaintiff agrees there will be restrictions that must be adhered to. The mediator will ask the third party to leave if his behavior less than constructive.

With the Plaintiff, discuss how a third party may have a value and influence on how the Defendant negotiates by setting them at ease. People usually negotiate better when they feel supported, less stress and anxiety doesn’t cloud their judgement.  

OUTCOME

I was later told that the third-party participated in the mediation conference and offered several strategies regarding how to resolve the matter while maintaining vital portions of the business relationship. They settled in four hours.

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultants he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, bullying, and Family/Business relationships. 

szamor@effectivemediationconsultants.com

www.effectivemediationconsultants.com

www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr

(954) 261-8600