2022! A Mediator’s Holiday Wish

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By Stanley Zamor

“Happy Holidays”; “Merry Christmas”; “Happy Hanukkah”; “Happy Kwanzaa”; “Happy Festivus!”

“My children’s father still refuses to pay his support. So as a result, even though I’m working more hours, we’re being evicted…” – Parenting Case

“…The anniversary of our mother’s death is Christmas Eve. And still my siblings refuse to sign the documents in order to satisfy the bank’s requirements in order for us to resolve numerous obligations left unresolved. This is becoming a dire situation…None of us are communicating and our families are being torn apart” -Probate/Enforcement of Sale/Liens.

“Mr. Zamor. Forgive my emotion and my tears. But I have not seen my children in 4 months. I missed Thanksgiving with them, a birthday and various school events, and now it’s evident I will not be seeing them for Christmas. This is not justice. How come no one is helping? The judge, the police, no one seems to be helping…Nothing but postponements and more time/money lost…”

– Divorce/Family Case

The foregoing are a few of the many statements, sentiments expressed to me by disputants during mediations that occurred during or leading up to the holiday season. Although this is the time of the year where families get together, and most enjoy gifts and seasonal good wishes. That is not the reality for many, many others. For many this is the worst time of the year. According to research the holiday season Is when many families experience the highest levels of stress, interpersonal conflicts and mental health concerns that inhibit the joy and harmony the holiday season promotes. 

            Neutrals can play a profound role during this time. Although we are not in a mental health or counseling role, as we help construct solutions to disputes that are the source of  deep emotional stress, we can encourage better communication and mitigate that stress.

MY WISH

            My wish for this holiday season is that if  you are a professional neutral who deals with individuals or families, during the holiday season you will recognize the important role you play. Go beyond the mundane and provide the disputants with what is the “Promise of Mediation”. Use the best conflict resolution/management skills and techniques to empower the disputants and allow for self-determination. Offer disputants encouragement and suggestions to reduce the barriers to communication.  Doing so may not provide the perfect solutions to their conflict, but it will demonstrate a professional who is dutifully engaged and dedicated to helping creating solutions to complex matters.

The following are 10 suggestions to a better holiday season:

  1. Set/Be Aware of Expectations (what you expect from others and your time with others),
  2. Stay Open to Your Needs and the Needs of Others
  3. Set Your Boundaries and Create Realistic Boundaries
  4. Be Mindful
  5. Approach Every Conversation and Interaction with Good Intentions
  6. Take Time for Yourself when Necessary
  7. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
  8. Do Not Enter or Contribute to Conversations that YOU KNOW LEAD TO TIGGERS
  9. Know/Recognize Your Own Triggers
  10. Speak For Yourself, Not for Others

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. He is also appointed to serve on the Florida Bar Grievance Committee and serves other National organizations as a facilitator and lecturer. As a ADR & Conflict consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

A HOLIDAY OF ALTERNATIVES: “HAPPY FESTIVUS… FOR THE REST of US” 

Is Festivus a real holiday? Some say No. It is a holiday celebrated to be fun and whacky. The Festivus holiday began when writer Daniel O’Keefe of the 90’s sitcom Seinfeld introduced it when one of the character’s fathers explained how as he was engaged in a physical altercation at a department store attempting to purchase an exclusive doll for his child. He was mad and disappointed in his behavior of having to fight for a doll in order to get a gift for his son. He was then enlightened and created an alternative to what stress and pressure the holiday season brings.

Although the holiday was part of a sitcom episode, Festivus is a now a secular holiday, said to be celebrated on December 23rd. It is meant as an alternative to the pressures and commercialization of the Christmas season.  Those who chose to be part of the holiday take apart in all or portions of the holiday which include 1) the Festivus Pole; 2) the Airing of Grievances;    3) Festivus Dinner; 4) The Feats of Strength. Of the various portions of the Festivus holiday, the airing of grievances offers healthier opportunities to voice disappointments in a transparent safe space, offering a chance to heal from those pains experienced during the year. Other holidays seem to suggest forgetting and forgiving other’s transgressions, which it far too difficult and divine for most to do. At a time where we promote “self-love”; “self-care”; Mindfulness… Knowing and speaking your truth; Festivus offers something that the other do not.  So, while Christmas and other holidays reign as the foremost celebrated holidays, Festivus is gaining popularity as an alternative to fully respond, address and heal from emotional discourse by not disguising or shying away from it.  So Happy Festivus and I wish all of you the best! 

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A Mediator’s Holiday Wish

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By Stanley Zamor

1- Seasons Greetings: “Happy Holidays”; “Merry Christmas”; “Happy Hanukkah”; “Happy Kwanzaa”; “Happy Festivus!”

2- Statement from CoParenting Case: “My children’s father still refuses to pay his support. So as a result, even though I’m working more hours, we’re being evicted…and it is Christmas.”

3- Statements from Probate Case: “…The anniversary of our mother’s death is Christmas Eve. And still my siblings refuse to sign the documents in order to satisfy the banks requirements for use to resolve numerous obligations left unresolved. This is becoming a dire situation…None of us are communicating and out families are being torn apart” -Probate/Enforcement of Sale/Liens

4- Statements from Divorce/Family Case: “Mr. Zamor. Forgive my emotion and my tears. But I have not seen my children in 4 months. I missed Thanksgiving with them, a birthday and various school events, and now it’s evident I will not be seeing them for Christmas. This is not justice. How come no one his helping. The judge, the police, no one seems to be helping…Nothing but postponements an more time/money lost…”

The above are just a few of the many statements, sentiments expressed to me by disputants during mediations that occurred during in the holiday season. Although this is the time of the year where families get together, and most enjoy gifts and seasonal good wishes. That is not the reality for many, many others. For many this is the worst time of the year. According to various research and reports during the holiday season families experience a highest levels of stress, interpersonal conflicts and mental health concerns that inhibit the joy and harmony the holiday season promotes.  

Neutrals can play a profound role during this time. And although we are not in a mental health or counseling role, as we help construct solutions to very complex and deep emotional stress; we can encourage better communication though effective conflict resolution techniques that help cope and find solutions.

MY WISH

            My wish for this holiday season is that, should you be a professional neutral who deals with individuals or families, during the holiday season recognize the important role you play. Go beyond the mundane and provide the disputants with what is the “Promise of Mediation”. Remain ethical. Use true conflict resolution/management skills and technique to empower the disputants and allow for self-determination. Promote empanty and offer disputants encouragement and soft suggestions to reduce the barriers to communication.  Doing so may not provide the perfect solutions to their conflict, but it will demonstrate a professional who is dutifully engaged and dedicated to helping creating solutions to complex matters.

The following are 10 suggestions to a better holiday season:

  1. Set/Be Aware of Expectations (what you expect from others and your time with others)
  2. Stay Open to Your Needs and the Needs of Others
  3. Set Your Boundaries and Create Realistic Boundaries
  4. Be Mindful
  5. Approach Every Conversations and Interaction with Good Intentions
  6. Take Time for Yourself when Necessary
  7. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
  8. Do Not Enter or Contribute to Conversations that YOU KNOW LEAD TO TIGGERS
  9. Know/Recognize Your Own Triggers
  10. Answer For/Speak For/Express Yourself, Not for Others

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. He is also appointed to serve on the Florida Bar Grievance Committee and serves other National organizations as a facilitator and lecturer. As a ADR & Conflict consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

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An Unusual Approach to Negotiations that Yield Better Results?

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By Stanley Zamor

“So, Mr. Zamor, if we do indeed settle, can you offer us a ride in your Porsche GT3 RS around the country road, as part of the settlement?” Everyone laughed.

I smiled and responded, “Mr. Richard, like I’ve said before, this is not my car, and that country road is in the Northeastern part of the country; it’s picturesque background. Although in a few weeks I do plan on driving my colleague’s on that exact road. It’s just a material item, but I see it does impact many and reminds me about the valued of things and what can be achieved. LIKE THIS AGREEMENT. Both sides approached opening statements with a defeatists tone, and that this matter would not settle today. Although, that is a possibility, it was not the reality. And you did find way to settle. Why? I like to believe that because of how you negotiated after every round; you mentioned my background and I continually managed to set and reset expectations and show the value in each of your proposals. Value-creation, no matter what the proposal was, is what you experienced, and is what you did after every negotiating round. What once was thought as being too high, too low, or even thought as being insulting, ceased.   You all began with a position, a valued expectation that you found value in adjusting. You appreciated the other parties’ “why” and “how”.  You began to assign a broader value to their case. You all put away your ego and began to appreciate the interest you all have in settling the matter instead of the importance of your positions. Congratulations.

You saw each other for what you truly are and needed; looked at what could really be achieved, instead of the more difficult/exotic “unattainable”, Porsche GT3 RS type resolve. See. Sometimes people set high expectations and need to reset them to what they truly need to get it done. Um, does that make sense? That is why I kept the background as we negotiated?” The Value-Creation Approach.

The Takeaway: As I have watched, facilitated and help manage thousands of conflict negotiations throughout my years as a professional neutral, there are several truths that continually playout. Many of these truths (values) are how I approach helping disputants find solutions to their conflict. The following are just a few of the elements to finding solutions to business and/or interpersonal conflicts: 

  1. Separate the person from the problem.
  2. Allow them/give them space to reveal their truth and they will.
  3. Let-Go Your Ego as Stratego

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

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