Turning Water Into Wine

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Turning Water Into Wine[1]

By John S. Freud

“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves…”

–Bruce Lee

Miracles don’t just happen.  They occur, and are then revealed.  For many if not most of us, we must take a giant leap of faith to even begin to be open to the possibility that Miracles can, or could, happen.  Others might argue that Miracles are present for those that choose to acknowledge or recognize the “miraculous” for what it is, or may be – an unexplained phenomenon for which there is no easy answer as to how or why it seemingly, or simply, is.

Christ’s Turning Water Into Wine story (John 2:1-11) is, to his believers, a seminal example of the “miraculous”.  But whether miraculous or not, is interestingly, not the point.  It’s the Belief in the metaphorical outcome of the story that provides the enduringly powerful message to all of us, rather than its historical accuracy or its factual efficacy.  And that message is, anything is possible.

Which leads us to Bruce Lee.  The analogy is not a stretch.  Imaging we are “ water making its way through cracks” might seem at first blush farfetched.  Just like Jesus turning water into wine. But the sentiments underlying both images are the same.  Anything is possible.  What Lee does – and what Jesus omits – is how to make anything possible:

“Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object…nothing within you stays rigid…”

Lee’s “how to” admonitions may be summed up thusly – when adversity comes calling, rather than stiffening your response, soften your resolve.  One “shall find a way around or through” adversity or deep conflict in mediation – “like water finding its way through cracks” – until suddenly “outward things will disclose themselves”.

In a negotiation in mediation, the disclosure of “outward things” – drivers of decision making by principals, motivation of lawyers and insurers, and the like – must reveal themselves in order to find the space necessary for compromise.  Belief – and its discontents – must give way to decision-making that opens parties in deep conflict to the possibility for “anything is possible”, which in mediation includes voluntary resolution of the dispute.

Is the mediation environment a crucible for miracles, or as the saying goes, “mediation magic”?  No.  However, it can be, with fully engaged participants and a skilled mediator committed to “anything is possible”, an environment where unexpected, voluntary resolutions for parties in conflict “disclose themselves”.  

If that is Turning Water Into Wine, I’ll have a glass of your finest!

[1] This is a companion piece to “Mediate, Like Water My Friend – Reflecting on Bruce Lee” By Stanley Zamor, September 2022

Avoiding The F –Bomb While Mediating, Is that Possible?

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Ok. I have to finally say it! There just seems to be no way around the F-bomb being dropped or used during mediations (or a negotiation).  I mean, if it is not used by the parties, then it will be used by their advocates/representatives.  And advocates/representatives drop the F-bomb more than most, because as advocates/representatives, that is their job. I get it. I’ve been told that divorce/family attorneys, must drop that F-bomb during their opening presentations or they’ll be perceived as not doing their job? Wow! And as a third-party neutral the F-bomb almost makes the hairs on my neck, stand-on-end. Because once I hear them start their statement, end their statement, or even worse, look me in and say in an inquisitive AND probing tone, “Isn’t that ‘fair’ Mr. Mediator”… “I just want what is fair for my client”…. “We’re trying to be ‘fair’ here” … “We are being more than ‘fair’”…   Yes, Fair. That F-Bomb can completely make a mediation negotiation go left. 

So I ask, is it possible to avoid the F-bomb during a mediation? The simple answer is no.  The more complex answer is, “maybe” or “so what”.  What is fair? Fair is about perspective. When negotiating it is completely subjective. When dealing with heightened emotions it cannot be achieved because the parties and their advocates believe only their perspective is the best and more fair and reasonable (shhhhh! The R-Bomb, that’s for another article). 

Expanding Fair

The perception of what is fair; or being fair in mediation negotiation hinges on several key factors, one of which is the ability of the parties involved to set aside their ego. When disputants are entrenched in their positions, driven by personal pride or a fear of losing face, it becomes challenging to engage in constructive dialogue. Here are a few reasons why letting go of ego is essential when trying to be fair in mediation negotiations:

1. Openness to Compromise: When individuals prioritize their ego, they become less flexible and more focused on winning rather than finding a mutually beneficial solution. Letting go of ego allows for a willingness to consider alternative viewpoints and compromise.

2. Active Listening: Fair negotiation requires active listening, where each party genuinely seeks to understand the other’s perspective. Ego can hinder this process, as individuals may be more focused on defending their stance rather than listening to the other side.

3. Building Trust: Negotiations thrive on trust. If parties are defensive or overly concerned with their self-image, it can create an atmosphere of suspicion. By minimizing ego, negotiators can foster an environment of mutual respect and collaboration.

4. Focus on Interests, Not Positions: Effective negotiation involves focusing on underlying interests rather than rigid positions. Letting go of ego enables parties to explore their true needs and desires, leading to more creative and satisfactory solutions.

5. Reducing Conflict: Ego-driven negotiations often escalate into conflicts. By setting aside personal pride, parties can approach the negotiation with a problem-solving mindset rather than a combative one, reducing the likelihood of confrontation.

The Take-Away

In summary, fair negotiation is only achievable when parties can transcend their egos, allowing for open communication, trust-building, and a focus on collaborative solutions. This shift not only enhances the negotiation process but also fosters better relationships moving forward. A skilled mediator is tasked with continually adjusting and refocusing the participants throughout the mediation negotiation process. It is therefore the skilled, and ethical mediator that is essential in assisting the participants negotiate beyond the ego. A subsequent article will better explore mediator’s best practices and ethical skills that addresses ego and creative solution building.

So rather than debate and attempt to convince why opposing parties are wrong, third-party neutrals should help acknowledge the emotion in the dispute then focus the parties on adjusting the emotional component and reframing it as what makes good “business sense” or what are the best ways to maximize outcomes given the circumstance as they appear that day.  By helping the parties adjust their lens regarding receiving justice and reaching/giving what is fair, they are more open to reaching a agreement that is acceptable that they helped craft.  

So, there is no “fair” in mediation negotiation in the sense that most expect. There is accepting an idea that being fair is not going to be the same for everyone involved in the conflict. And, there is respecting another’s perspective of fair and adjusting participants’ ego while negotiating so a mutually acceptable resolve can be achieved if that is the common goal.   

Business Negotiation Techniques That Work

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Mediation/Arbitration

Business Negotiation Techniques That Work

It never fails. And even while negotiating virtually, via Zoom, the parties and their attorney reveal why they still have not settled their litigation case. They all have expressed wanting to resolve their matter; not wanting to go to a lengthy, expensive trial full of uncertainty. Yet they’ve made little to no progress negotiating. They are the problem.  Their approach is the problem.  And obviously, their negotiation approach prevents them from achieving better outcomes.

Negotiating positions to reach an amicable settlement agreement rarely happens when both sides have a “Sword-n-Shield” approach.  Mediation works. And when a skilled neutral empowers the parties through a “Bridge-n-Brick” approach, better outcomes are achieved.

Proven Negotiation Tips:

Here are some negotiating tips that may help adverse parties achieve better outcomes:

  1. Prepare Thoroughly: Understand your case inside and out before entering negotiations. Know the strengths and weaknesses of your case, as well as the strengths and weaknesses of the other party’s case.
  • Set Realistic Goals: Before entering negotiations, determine your goals and what you are willing to settle for. Be realistic about what you can achieve and what you are willing to give up. THINK OUT THE BOX
  • Listen Carefully: Active listening is crucial in negotiations. Pay close attention to what the other party is saying to understand their perspective and concerns. This will help you tailor your responses effectively.
  • Maintain Professionalism: Always maintain a professional demeanor during negotiations. Avoid escalating conflicts and focus on finding common ground to reach a resolution.
  • Focus on Interests, Not Positions: Instead of getting stuck on specific demands or positions, focus on the underlying interests of both parties. Try to find solutions that meet the interests of both sides.
  • Explore Creative Solutions: Be open to exploring creative solutions that may benefit both parties. Sometimes thinking outside the box can lead to a more satisfying resolution for everyone involved.
  • Stay Calm and Patient: Negotiations can be stressful, but it’s important to stay calm and patient throughout the process. Take breaks if needed to regroup and refocus.
  • Document Everything: Keep detailed records of all communications and agreements reached during negotiations. This will help prevent misunderstandings and provide clarity if disputes arise later.
  • Consider Alternatives: If negotiations are not progressing, consider alternative dispute resolution methods such as mediation or arbitration to help facilitate a resolution.
  1. Consult with Experts: If needed, seek advice from other legal experts or professional negotiators who can provide guidance/support during the negotiation process.

Remember that each case is unique, and these tips should be adapted to suit the specific circumstances of your negotiation/litigation.

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics to Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600