Avoiding The F –Bomb While Mediating, Is that Possible?

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Ok. I have to finally say it! There just seems to be no way around the F-bomb being dropped or used during mediations (or a negotiation).  I mean, if it is not used by the parties, then it will be used by their advocates/representatives.  And advocates/representatives drop the F-bomb more than most, because as advocates/representatives, that is their job. I get it. I’ve been told that divorce/family attorneys, must drop that F-bomb during their opening presentations or they’ll be perceived as not doing their job? Wow! And as a third-party neutral the F-bomb almost makes the hairs on my neck, stand-on-end. Because once I hear them start their statement, end their statement, or even worse, look me in and say in an inquisitive AND probing tone, “Isn’t that ‘fair’ Mr. Mediator”… “I just want what is fair for my client”…. “We’re trying to be ‘fair’ here” … “We are being more than ‘fair’”…   Yes, Fair. That F-Bomb can completely make a mediation negotiation go left. 

So I ask, is it possible to avoid the F-bomb during a mediation? The simple answer is no.  The more complex answer is, “maybe” or “so what”.  What is fair? Fair is about perspective. When negotiating it is completely subjective. When dealing with heightened emotions it cannot be achieved because the parties and their advocates believe only their perspective is the best and more fair and reasonable (shhhhh! The R-Bomb, that’s for another article). 

Expanding Fair

The perception of what is fair; or being fair in mediation negotiation hinges on several key factors, one of which is the ability of the parties involved to set aside their ego. When disputants are entrenched in their positions, driven by personal pride or a fear of losing face, it becomes challenging to engage in constructive dialogue. Here are a few reasons why letting go of ego is essential when trying to be fair in mediation negotiations:

1. Openness to Compromise: When individuals prioritize their ego, they become less flexible and more focused on winning rather than finding a mutually beneficial solution. Letting go of ego allows for a willingness to consider alternative viewpoints and compromise.

2. Active Listening: Fair negotiation requires active listening, where each party genuinely seeks to understand the other’s perspective. Ego can hinder this process, as individuals may be more focused on defending their stance rather than listening to the other side.

3. Building Trust: Negotiations thrive on trust. If parties are defensive or overly concerned with their self-image, it can create an atmosphere of suspicion. By minimizing ego, negotiators can foster an environment of mutual respect and collaboration.

4. Focus on Interests, Not Positions: Effective negotiation involves focusing on underlying interests rather than rigid positions. Letting go of ego enables parties to explore their true needs and desires, leading to more creative and satisfactory solutions.

5. Reducing Conflict: Ego-driven negotiations often escalate into conflicts. By setting aside personal pride, parties can approach the negotiation with a problem-solving mindset rather than a combative one, reducing the likelihood of confrontation.

The Take-Away

In summary, fair negotiation is only achievable when parties can transcend their egos, allowing for open communication, trust-building, and a focus on collaborative solutions. This shift not only enhances the negotiation process but also fosters better relationships moving forward. A skilled mediator is tasked with continually adjusting and refocusing the participants throughout the mediation negotiation process. It is therefore the skilled, and ethical mediator that is essential in assisting the participants negotiate beyond the ego. A subsequent article will better explore mediator’s best practices and ethical skills that addresses ego and creative solution building.

So rather than debate and attempt to convince why opposing parties are wrong, third-party neutrals should help acknowledge the emotion in the dispute then focus the parties on adjusting the emotional component and reframing it as what makes good “business sense” or what are the best ways to maximize outcomes given the circumstance as they appear that day.  By helping the parties adjust their lens regarding receiving justice and reaching/giving what is fair, they are more open to reaching a agreement that is acceptable that they helped craft.  

So, there is no “fair” in mediation negotiation in the sense that most expect. There is accepting an idea that being fair is not going to be the same for everyone involved in the conflict. And, there is respecting another’s perspective of fair and adjusting participants’ ego while negotiating so a mutually acceptable resolve can be achieved if that is the common goal.   

Business Negotiation Techniques That Work

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Mediation/Arbitration

Business Negotiation Techniques That Work

It never fails. And even while negotiating virtually, via Zoom, the parties and their attorney reveal why they still have not settled their litigation case. They all have expressed wanting to resolve their matter; not wanting to go to a lengthy, expensive trial full of uncertainty. Yet they’ve made little to no progress negotiating. They are the problem.  Their approach is the problem.  And obviously, their negotiation approach prevents them from achieving better outcomes.

Negotiating positions to reach an amicable settlement agreement rarely happens when both sides have a “Sword-n-Shield” approach.  Mediation works. And when a skilled neutral empowers the parties through a “Bridge-n-Brick” approach, better outcomes are achieved.

Proven Negotiation Tips:

Here are some negotiating tips that may help adverse parties achieve better outcomes:

  1. Prepare Thoroughly: Understand your case inside and out before entering negotiations. Know the strengths and weaknesses of your case, as well as the strengths and weaknesses of the other party’s case.
  • Set Realistic Goals: Before entering negotiations, determine your goals and what you are willing to settle for. Be realistic about what you can achieve and what you are willing to give up. THINK OUT THE BOX
  • Listen Carefully: Active listening is crucial in negotiations. Pay close attention to what the other party is saying to understand their perspective and concerns. This will help you tailor your responses effectively.
  • Maintain Professionalism: Always maintain a professional demeanor during negotiations. Avoid escalating conflicts and focus on finding common ground to reach a resolution.
  • Focus on Interests, Not Positions: Instead of getting stuck on specific demands or positions, focus on the underlying interests of both parties. Try to find solutions that meet the interests of both sides.
  • Explore Creative Solutions: Be open to exploring creative solutions that may benefit both parties. Sometimes thinking outside the box can lead to a more satisfying resolution for everyone involved.
  • Stay Calm and Patient: Negotiations can be stressful, but it’s important to stay calm and patient throughout the process. Take breaks if needed to regroup and refocus.
  • Document Everything: Keep detailed records of all communications and agreements reached during negotiations. This will help prevent misunderstandings and provide clarity if disputes arise later.
  • Consider Alternatives: If negotiations are not progressing, consider alternative dispute resolution methods such as mediation or arbitration to help facilitate a resolution.
  1. Consult with Experts: If needed, seek advice from other legal experts or professional negotiators who can provide guidance/support during the negotiation process.

Remember that each case is unique, and these tips should be adapted to suit the specific circumstances of your negotiation/litigation.

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics to Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

“Victory Can Be Achieved Through Perspective”

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By Stanley Zamor

Plaintiff’s Attorney: (after opening presentations) “Mr. Zamor, even though the Defense Attorney presented how we will not be able to have an expert witness because the judge may strike our expert, we feel confident that the judge will not strike our expert. And we are just ready to go to trial, the attorney in charge of this case Mr. Lead Attorney will be there.  We are trial ready and will take our chances at trial, if the Defendant did not come ready to settle today.”

Defendant’s Attorney: “I just provided the transcript to you and Mr. Zamor from our last hearing which you did not attend. The Judge was quite clear, starting on page 16 line 18. She said, ‘… Mr. LeadAttorney, I gave strict instructions. Yet you did not file an expert disclosure or report on time.  And the document you are presenting now from your engineer, is full of conclusory statements. I will not be accepting anything past the missed deadline. I strongly suggest you go to mediation again.’ Mr. Zamor, I must say, should the Plaintiff lose, he will be responsible for all our fees.

So, Mr. Zamor, we are here because the Judge is kind-of giving the Plaintiff another chance at resolving the case before trial. Because as you know this will be a battle of the experts; and they have missed all the deadlines and will not be able to present one. We are here in good faith to negotiate, and we feel more confident than before that we will win.”

The Plaintiff seemed unaware of what was happening. So, I asked, “Ms. Plaintiff Coverage- Attorney, help us to understand what did the judge mean when she said conclusory? Although I understand the legal term, I want to ensure we all have the same understanding.” The Plaintiff leaned in attentively as his coverage-attorney explained that the term means, an inference that has no proof but is stated none the less. After the explanation, the Plaintiff’s body-language changed and he requested to speak privately with his lawyer immediately.  

“The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Take Away – A Victory Begins with Perspective  

The above is just a portion of a long exchange with multiple joint/private sessions. At the commencement of mediation, it was clear that the Plaintiff was not prepared to negotiate. And was not informed about the current posture of the case. Decision makers, regardless of legal education, it is paramount that you maintain a clear understanding of your case and possible legal ramifications.

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

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2022! A Mediator’s Holiday Wish

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By Stanley Zamor

“Happy Holidays”; “Merry Christmas”; “Happy Hanukkah”; “Happy Kwanzaa”; “Happy Festivus!”

“My children’s father still refuses to pay his support. So as a result, even though I’m working more hours, we’re being evicted…” – Parenting Case

“…The anniversary of our mother’s death is Christmas Eve. And still my siblings refuse to sign the documents in order to satisfy the bank’s requirements in order for us to resolve numerous obligations left unresolved. This is becoming a dire situation…None of us are communicating and our families are being torn apart” -Probate/Enforcement of Sale/Liens.

“Mr. Zamor. Forgive my emotion and my tears. But I have not seen my children in 4 months. I missed Thanksgiving with them, a birthday and various school events, and now it’s evident I will not be seeing them for Christmas. This is not justice. How come no one is helping? The judge, the police, no one seems to be helping…Nothing but postponements and more time/money lost…”

– Divorce/Family Case

The foregoing are a few of the many statements, sentiments expressed to me by disputants during mediations that occurred during or leading up to the holiday season. Although this is the time of the year where families get together, and most enjoy gifts and seasonal good wishes. That is not the reality for many, many others. For many this is the worst time of the year. According to research the holiday season Is when many families experience the highest levels of stress, interpersonal conflicts and mental health concerns that inhibit the joy and harmony the holiday season promotes. 

            Neutrals can play a profound role during this time. Although we are not in a mental health or counseling role, as we help construct solutions to disputes that are the source of  deep emotional stress, we can encourage better communication and mitigate that stress.

MY WISH

            My wish for this holiday season is that if  you are a professional neutral who deals with individuals or families, during the holiday season you will recognize the important role you play. Go beyond the mundane and provide the disputants with what is the “Promise of Mediation”. Use the best conflict resolution/management skills and techniques to empower the disputants and allow for self-determination. Offer disputants encouragement and suggestions to reduce the barriers to communication.  Doing so may not provide the perfect solutions to their conflict, but it will demonstrate a professional who is dutifully engaged and dedicated to helping creating solutions to complex matters.

The following are 10 suggestions to a better holiday season:

  1. Set/Be Aware of Expectations (what you expect from others and your time with others),
  2. Stay Open to Your Needs and the Needs of Others
  3. Set Your Boundaries and Create Realistic Boundaries
  4. Be Mindful
  5. Approach Every Conversation and Interaction with Good Intentions
  6. Take Time for Yourself when Necessary
  7. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
  8. Do Not Enter or Contribute to Conversations that YOU KNOW LEAD TO TIGGERS
  9. Know/Recognize Your Own Triggers
  10. Speak For Yourself, Not for Others

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. He is also appointed to serve on the Florida Bar Grievance Committee and serves other National organizations as a facilitator and lecturer. As a ADR & Conflict consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

A HOLIDAY OF ALTERNATIVES: “HAPPY FESTIVUS… FOR THE REST of US” 

Is Festivus a real holiday? Some say No. It is a holiday celebrated to be fun and whacky. The Festivus holiday began when writer Daniel O’Keefe of the 90’s sitcom Seinfeld introduced it when one of the character’s fathers explained how as he was engaged in a physical altercation at a department store attempting to purchase an exclusive doll for his child. He was mad and disappointed in his behavior of having to fight for a doll in order to get a gift for his son. He was then enlightened and created an alternative to what stress and pressure the holiday season brings.

Although the holiday was part of a sitcom episode, Festivus is a now a secular holiday, said to be celebrated on December 23rd. It is meant as an alternative to the pressures and commercialization of the Christmas season.  Those who chose to be part of the holiday take apart in all or portions of the holiday which include 1) the Festivus Pole; 2) the Airing of Grievances;    3) Festivus Dinner; 4) The Feats of Strength. Of the various portions of the Festivus holiday, the airing of grievances offers healthier opportunities to voice disappointments in a transparent safe space, offering a chance to heal from those pains experienced during the year. Other holidays seem to suggest forgetting and forgiving other’s transgressions, which it far too difficult and divine for most to do. At a time where we promote “self-love”; “self-care”; Mindfulness… Knowing and speaking your truth; Festivus offers something that the other do not.  So, while Christmas and other holidays reign as the foremost celebrated holidays, Festivus is gaining popularity as an alternative to fully respond, address and heal from emotional discourse by not disguising or shying away from it.  So Happy Festivus and I wish all of you the best! 

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An Unusual Approach to Negotiations that Yield Better Results?

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By Stanley Zamor

“So, Mr. Zamor, if we do indeed settle, can you offer us a ride in your Porsche GT3 RS around the country road, as part of the settlement?” Everyone laughed.

I smiled and responded, “Mr. Richard, like I’ve said before, this is not my car, and that country road is in the Northeastern part of the country; it’s picturesque background. Although in a few weeks I do plan on driving my colleague’s on that exact road. It’s just a material item, but I see it does impact many and reminds me about the valued of things and what can be achieved. LIKE THIS AGREEMENT. Both sides approached opening statements with a defeatists tone, and that this matter would not settle today. Although, that is a possibility, it was not the reality. And you did find way to settle. Why? I like to believe that because of how you negotiated after every round; you mentioned my background and I continually managed to set and reset expectations and show the value in each of your proposals. Value-creation, no matter what the proposal was, is what you experienced, and is what you did after every negotiating round. What once was thought as being too high, too low, or even thought as being insulting, ceased.   You all began with a position, a valued expectation that you found value in adjusting. You appreciated the other parties’ “why” and “how”.  You began to assign a broader value to their case. You all put away your ego and began to appreciate the interest you all have in settling the matter instead of the importance of your positions. Congratulations.

You saw each other for what you truly are and needed; looked at what could really be achieved, instead of the more difficult/exotic “unattainable”, Porsche GT3 RS type resolve. See. Sometimes people set high expectations and need to reset them to what they truly need to get it done. Um, does that make sense? That is why I kept the background as we negotiated?” The Value-Creation Approach.

The Takeaway: As I have watched, facilitated and help manage thousands of conflict negotiations throughout my years as a professional neutral, there are several truths that continually playout. Many of these truths (values) are how I approach helping disputants find solutions to their conflict. The following are just a few of the elements to finding solutions to business and/or interpersonal conflicts: 

  1. Separate the person from the problem.
  2. Allow them/give them space to reveal their truth and they will.
  3. Let-Go Your Ego as Stratego

Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator.  Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the Agree2Disagree (ATD) Mediation Group. As an ADR consultant/professional he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, and Family/Business relationships.  ZamorADRExpert@gmail.com ; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.agree2disagree.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr. (954) 261-8600

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An Alternative to Litigation: Can’t Afford a Lawyer. Don’t Need a Lawyer? DIY Solutions, REALLY.

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If You Want to FIGHT…


If you want to fight, go to Court. If you want to bury your opponent in legal fees/cost or be vindicated with a sense of “I put you through same levels of frustration you showed me.” Then go to Court, right? However, if you want to find and create solutions that just “get it done” so you can move on and deal with other life circumstances. Or, if you need to resolve the conflict while repairing some aspect of the relationship, then mediation facilitated by a skilled mediator maybe what you need. And you can often do it yourself without a lawyer.


Sword-n-Sheid vs Bridge-n-Brick


We have been conditioned to believe that you can only find resolve in court. That the only way to get your legal needs met is when you go to court; and you can only do that if you hire a lawyer. While you should use and hire a competent lawyer who will vehemently represent you, most can-not afford competent representation. For those who have participated in the Court system, they will disagree with these comments; and add that after years of waiting, the decision they received rarely satisfied them.

Justice Jorge Labarga, Florida Supreme Court established a commission who conducted a three-year study regarding ‘Access to Civil Justice’. In its’ 2016 results the commission reported that the unmet civil legal needs of the disadvantaged, low and moderate-income Floridians are staggeringly high; mainly due to high legal fees. With over 100,000 members of the Florida Bar, I asked myself, “How is that possible?”


If You Want to Resolve and Move Beyond…


After over 20 years as a certified mediator (and trainer/coach) I have seen how advocates approach and use mediation the wrong way. Let us be straight and clear, mediation is a process that provides an alternative to the high-cost and uncertainty of Court. Mediators are ethically bound by Statute/Rule NOT to give legal advice (even if they are also an attorney) and can be grieved if they do. It is not court, yet many try to operate as if it is. When a skilled mediator knows how to address party needs/wants that mediator can help resolve conflict in a manner that Courts can’t; with or without an attorney present. A skilled mediator through conflict resolution techniques can help transition the discourse while achieving results where the interest/goal is to be done and move past that issue. Or, in many cases maintain a relationship past the dispute.


Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator. Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the ATD (Agree2Disagree) Mediation & Arbitration, PA throughout Florida. As an ADR consultant & Coach he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, bullying, and Family/Business relationships.
szamor@effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr
(954) 261-8600

An Alternative to Litigation: “Part 2, The Basics of Online Negotiation/Mediation: Creating Value Through COVID-19” By Stanley Zamor

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“Thank you for allowing me to be your mediator. If you can clearly see/hear me, please give the thumbs up signal… Thank you. You are all not muted and I will do my best to make this feel comfortable and familiar. Thumbs up if you have participated in mediation and/or negotiations using an online platform. Good. Well mediation is a process and technology allows for more flexibility… I am a third party impartial neutral without the authority to impose a decision/solution… All of the rules of confidentiality apply, and all named parties are present correct?… Now, there may come a time where I may need to meet with the parties and their attorneys privately, or the attorneys privately, or even in rare circumstances just both parties together…You are encouraged and empowered to create your own solution that best satisfies your needs today and craft a Mutual Acceptable Agreement… Are there any questions. Let’s begin.”


Part 2 – Creating Mutual Gains and Value


Recently I facilitated an online mediation where both attorneys expressed a frustration with the case and how the matter was being litigated during COVID-19. Everything was an issue, from document production requests/responses, to communicating with multiple revolving attorneys on the case. Nothing was consistent. The above are excerpts from my Mediator’s Orientation Statement (aka the “Opening Statement”) where I addressed the attorneys’ frustrations. IT WORKED!!!! During the process I used the online platform functions to meet separately various times with the attorneys alone and their clients. I was able to create trust in the process, between the attorneys/parties and build perspectives that led to shared mutual goals and a willingness to create an mutually satisfied agreement.


Not enough value is placed on the opening statement (and using an online platform makes is more difficult). Depending on the case & participant specifics, negotiators need to be flexible in their approaches and be prepared to reserve the “Harsh-Tactics” for face-to-face interactions or court!
So, as you negotiate through online platforms think about the following:


1) What do you want out of the process and how will you approach it differently than the usual face-to-face interactions?
2) How have you responded to conflict or the adverse opinions/positions of the other side?
3) How will you participate differently when online?
4) Prepare a brief and concise opening statement that also captures your expectation with online negotiation, AND YOUR LIMITATIONS!
5) Be honest about what you want, and where you are willing to go, save ego for court.


Stanley Zamor is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit/Family/County Mediator & Primary Trainer and Qualified Arbitrator. Mr. Zamor serves on several federal and state mediation/arbitration rosters and mediates with the ATD (Agree2Disagree) Mediation & Arbitration, PA throughout Florida. As an ADR consultant he regularly lectures on a variety of topics from ethics, cross-cultural issues, diversity, bullying, and Family/Business relationships.


szamor@effectivemediationconsultants.com; www.effectivemediationconsultants.com

www.LinkedIn.com/in/stanleyzamoradr
(954) 261-8600